Letters from the Greek Islands -Part 2 - Crete

 The series of e mail exchanges continues with my good friend and  H & S travel guru - not for the faint hearted and does contain adult humour and a disturbing image.


CRETE 2013

Dear Tufty,

I trust that you are now back at your desk after a long & relaxing holiday in Spain? 

 

You will be pleased to know that we too, were enjoying a very pleasant and relaxing, all inclusive stay at the our hotel in Crete.  You will have undoubtedly noticed the use of the past tense….”were” enjoying.

 

I’m afraid a H & S issue has arisen and one that really needs your personal attention.  Whilst staying at the Hotel a toe on my right foot has become seriously inflamed (see attached photograph).  This is a direct result of one of the following:

 

• Faulty lighting at night causing me to stumble down some steep steps
• An insect/animal bite imported to the lawn area outside our sea view apartment by another holiday client from your company
• Raki fed to me by your holiday rep on arrival at the hotel

My investigations have reached a dead end and feel that your presence here at the hotel, in your official H & S role,  would add the much needed weight to the investigation for it to reach a successful conclusion.

Should you dismiss this serious breach of H & S protocol with a wave of the hand, I do not need to spell out the likely consequences of such a cavalier action on your part.

I look forward to your imminent arrival – you will find me either in the Lobby bar between 1100 and 1600 and in the Beach Bar from 1800 onwards.

 Kind regards, your good friend

 Graham Rumpy

 

 

 

THE REPLY

 

Dear Graham,

 

Call me cavalier, but with a dismissive albeit flamboyant while at the same time nonchalant wave of the hand, I have to inform you that my presence is required elsewhere on far more pressing matters. Namely scuppering large volumes of cheap cider in my garden. However, I can offer the following advice, in no particular order;

 1.       Stop whingeing you big wuss. Your conk and cheeks are far redder than that toe all the time and you don’t moan about that. And your arse too probably, from sitting on bar stools / sun beds / poolside bar seats….

2.       Stick said toe IN some Raki. That should sort it. And if it doesn’t, drink the Raki as that will take your mind off it for sure.

3.       Get some cream. Your pile ointment you carry with you at all times for your grapes should do it. And if not, I’m sure the your hotel boasts a 24 hour well-stocked pharmacy amongst its many fabulous facilities.

4.       Drink to excess and numb the pain (already in hand I suspect).

5.       Speak to your understanding and ever helpful and omnipresent Holiday Representative who will be delighted, nay, overjoyed to provide an excessive and overbearing amount of assistance and sympathy and will I’m sure, facilitate multitudinous free visits to the top notch medical facilities on site.

6.       Speak to reception – as 5 above.

7.       Make a fuss and insist on a wheelchair, at least on flight departure day which will undoubtedly secure you the most fabulous and highly sort after and prized seats on your return flight, if not a whole row just to yourself upon which you can raise and rest said affected limb while repeatedly calling upon the infectiously happy and oh so willing cabin crew to attend to your every desire, or at least keep you topped up with appropriate in-flight medicinal liquids.

 

Trust this advice will be treated with the merit it deserves. Good luck (particularly with no.s 5 – 7).

 

And one question – what happens between 1600 and 1800. Surely the hotel is not without an astounding array of bars available between these hours? Or is that when you retire to your undoubtedly stunning and well appointed, stylish room to receive TLC and appropriate dressing replacements as administered by Nurse Sue?

 I wish you a speedy recovery and look forward to receiving notification of your next heavily discounted booking.

 

Regards & good luck 

 

Tufty

 

 

 

 

Dear Mr Tufty

 Thank you for your thoughtful and very helpful comments – I have now had time to consider them.  Before I make further comment I would like to say that your presence here at our hotel is still very much needed as further breaches of H & S have occurred and for you to continually and blatantly ignore such failings is, a desertion of your duties and responsibilities as laid out in your job description.

 

To your initial comments regarding “toe-gate”:

 

1. I hardly think calling a valued client such as myself a “whingeing wuss” is a professional response and certainly not one I would have expected from someone in your position within the company.
2. I tried inserting my toe in some Raki but the only receptacle I could find was a waste paper bin.  Having filled the bin and soaked my toe I then did as you advised and drank the Raki…. I didn’t remember very much after that until Sue woke me 3 days later. The toe remains inflamed which in turn has given me a headache and left me feeling nauseous.
3. I told you not to mention my pile problem – that was an intimate detail that only you and I share from working together.  Oh! and Vic in the Horeshoe Inn, I think I may have told him once when we were doing some Pool Timetabling in June 1989.
4. Working on this one continually.
5. The ever helpful and omnipresent Holiday reps are too busy dealing with overweight Brummies who keep putting their  “His & Her “ towels on the sunbeds before they go to breakfast, despite an abundance of signs asking guests to desist from this anti-social and Teutonic practice, to be concerned with my toe.
6. I have spoken to reception who advised me to get in touch with someone from your company directly – which is exactly what I did.
7. The only useful suggestion you have made and one that I will be following up on Thursday when we return should my toe still be inflamed.

Further breaches of H & S

 

• You premium resort service failed to inform us that during the month of September, the Hotel suffers from WIND!  Not just a gentle refreshing breeze that cools the sun drenched faces of those clients around the pool but a howling gale that causes ships to seek shelter in the bay and prevents the pool boy erecting the sun umbrellas for fear of his life.  I myself, have nearly been blown over whilst walking from the Beach Bar to the pool area carrying vital liquid refreshment – not helped, I have to say by my unsteady gait caused by my inflamed toe.  This lack of information about the weather is clearly a breach of contract on your part and I will, should I get injured as a result of the force of the wind, be seeking compensation.

• Whilst on a trip to Spinalonga to view the old leper colony, a Trip advertised and championed by your ever present & helpful holiday reps, we stopped for a BBQ lunch and a swim.  At no stage were we advised that the rocks on the beach where we swam were slippery & dangerous.  The result….. whilst I was trying to pick my way back across the said beach, I slipped spilling my t shirt, socks and shoes and underpants into the crystal clear water.  What made the incident worse and to further my embarrassment, the whole thing was witnessed by around 400 people on boats that were just about to dock for their lunch.

• I seriously think that your Company should have some sort of road competency testing for those clients that intend to hire cars whilst in Crete.  We have had our car now for 2 days and have witnessed the most dreadful and incompetent driving skills ever seen by man.  Admittedly not all your company’s clients but I would hazard a guess at that a large proportion may be. If such a test was introduced by yourselves, I am convinced that, the premium service , that you are so proud of,  would increase your company’s credibility in the travel arena and one that would show you to be progressive and forward thinking and not just a “dancing monkey” which it appears you have become

I would still like to see you here in Crete but appreciate that drinking cheap cider in your garden in England may just be an easy way for you to dodge your professional responsibilities.

 I look forward to receiving your flight details.  Between 1600 and 1800 I have my late afternoon siesta with a couple of large glasses of local white wine so please arrange your arrival outside these hours.

 My toe is still sore and inflamed.  Should this be diagnosed as leprosy, caught whilst on an organized excursion by your company, rest assured that you will rapidly feel the full weight of my legal team bearing down on you.

 Kind regards,

 Graham Rumpy

 

THE REPLY

 

There was no immediate response from Mr Tufty

 

 

Dear Tufty,

 

It has now been more than 24 hours since my last update.  Time is running out. As a valued and regular client, I await your response to my last or at the very least, your arrival here in Crete.

 

Yours,

 

Graham Rumpy

 

PS You will be relieved to hear that the inflamed toe is not due to leprosy.

 

 

THE EVENTUAL REPLY

 

 

Dear Mr G.Rumpy,

 

I had hoped, that in keeping with our best traditions of customer service with which I know you are familiar and the standards of which I know you hold my company in the highest regard,  that ignoring your inevitable 2^nd wave of trivial whingeing, which is frankly irritating in its petty nature, would result in you simply giving up and booking your next holiday, possibly even to the same fabulous hotel, without any further effort on my behalf.  

 Sadly, you clearly will not simply go away and I have had to now divert my attention from far more important matters involving fermented apples in my garden in order to address your pointless complaints which I feel duty bound to point out have the inevitable ring of a man unwilling, if not in fact unable, to appreciate the levels of personal enrichment and enlightenment available to travellers who, in stark contrast to yourself, are able to rise above the typical ‘Brit abroad’ attitude you so comprehensively demonstrate and understand that expecting the same standards in Johnny Foreigner Land (JFL) as you experience in your comfortable, narrow minded and clearly insular existence tucked away in the dark recesses of the Vale of Glamorgan is ridiculous and I often wonder why your type bother to travel at all.

 

Anyway, responses to your nonsense are as follows;

 

My previous comments were not really intended to be thought provoking or helpful and I’m disappointed you found them so. I will work on my indifference skills in preparation for the tirade relating to your next foray into JFL that will, as surely as night follows day, occur both during and after whatever delightful destination you choose to inflict yourself and your long suffering travelling companion on (who it appears judging by your file held in our multi-platform, digital and spectacularly efficient reservations system, seems to pay for the majority of your little more than worthless bookings).

 

Thankfully I gather you have now returned to the safe and comfortably familiar environment from which you departed so I can plan my visit to your intoxicatingly beautiful hotel safe in the knowledge that you at least, will not blight my own travel with your ceaseless moaning.

My role profile and job description and duties make no reference to, or require me to respond to dozy comments made by ignorant customers, far less pay any attention to the content of such communications. I’m simply responding out of the goodness of my own heart in an attempt to educate you, if that is even vaguely possible, in preparation for your next expedition out of the Vale. To those points worth responding to (hardly any of them really) I offer the following replies;

 Point 1.  Asked and answered as above.

Point 2.  The resultant 3 day period of unconsciousness after drinking a waste bin full of Raki must have been a blessed relief to Sue and anyone else unfortunate enough to be on holiday within 5 miles of you. I assume the three days out cold were pain free, so job done. Headaches and nausea are routinely associated with even a small measure of Raki, which even the most seasoned alcoholic (such as yourself) would have foreseen (nothing to do with your poor red tootsie – the original cause of these endless gripes) and you should therefore have brought appropriate medication, or at least attempted a Raki Hair of the Dog upon re-gaining consciousness (I understand, not from personal experience of course, that just a small glass of water re-activates the damn stuff).

Point 3. Your piles are a globally recognised problem stretching far beyond the myopic and usually blurry vision of Horseshoe Vic  and the existence and prominence of your grapes is in the public domain. I did warn you on countless occasions that a loss of confidentiality would occur as a result of you insisting on repeatedly performing your infamous ‘Man, Woman… Bulldog’ trick to scores of innocent and unsuspecting delegates trapped on training courses of dubious validity and unable to escape or defend themselves.

Point 5. I sense a frustration here, not in the lack of care and attention shown by the incredibly overworked Representative, but that you forgot to pack your own His and Hers towels and were therefore unable to add overweight Brits to the sunbed grabbing game.

Point 7. Glad to be of service. Our aim is to please, if not delight our customers with our resourcefulness when the very rare, in fact virtually unheard of, minor issues arise. I have every confidence that the highly professional and attentive cabin crew will have done everything possible to make your flight home a period of such unimaginable pleasure that it could only be matched by your hotel experience that preceded it. Your request to the Cabin Manager, nice boy that he is, that he suck the poison out of the infected part has been passed on by the Captain to the appropriate health and law enforcement authorities that abound in Cardiff Wales airport.

 

To your additional points;

 

The wind must indeed have been strong if a man of your not inconsiderable girth felt its power. However, I suspect that you are over-playing the gentle zephyr associated with this part of coastline year round. The unsteadiness most likely being caused by yet another waste bin full of Raki (probably consumed at breakfast), the pool boy probably actually running away from you and attempting to hide behind umbrellas and the ships seeking shelter most likely in response to the hazard to shipping notices issued by the Greek Maritime Authorities after your last dip in the sea. In fact, the wind blowing from your own southern regions at approaching near constant gale force and containing that unmistakable anniseedy bouquet of a man whose insides are not fully adjusted to ouzo, is far more likely to have been the issue than anything nature offered up.

 

The sight of a fat Englishman wearing no underpants being upended on what were obviously slippery rocks (you have seaweed in Wales do you not? In fact, you eat it, so clearly you could have easily foreseen this problem but chose as usual, to leave your brain in the bus) must have been traumatic in the extreme for the unfortunate witnesses. We have as a result of your incredibly idiotic antics had to offer counselling to all 400 and you will be receiving the invoice directly from the Centre for Crisis Psychology. You may possibly recoup some of this outlay through adverts associated with the YouTube clip of you falling on your arse and dropping your grubby clothing in the sea currently reaching viral status on the internet.

 

Ancillary revenue generated by car hire facilitates a fabulous and long drawn out knees up at the season once our last but dear clients have finally departed and frankly, if people like yourself want to dice with death on the roads of JFL then that’s fine with us so long as you cough up in advance along with hugely overinflated charges for next to useless additional insurance (suckers). What happens on the roads beyond our hotel boundary is of no concern or responsibility of ours. You are on your own, although it is admittedly highly entertaining to watch.

 

Next time hire a scooter or quad bike and with any luck, we’ll never have to host you in one of our destinations ever again.

 

I doubt very much that leprosy would warrant even a second glance in the catalogue of illnesses and diseases you are already the proud owner of. We have in fact received numerous complaints from the lepers that in addition to having to have witnessed your arse-ending on the seaweed covered rocks they are reporting new and mysterious conditions far worse than leprosy caused by your contact with them. You will, in addition to the counselling bill, be receiving an invoice for medical services rendered to the lepers as a result of your visit.

 

I and my colleagues remain as always, at your service and we eagerly await your next heavily discounted foray into JFL, which we hope (almost certainly in vain due to the discounting opportunities afforded to you by your passing acquaintance with one of our staff, a relationship we are unfortunately powerless to prevent) that you take with one of our competitors who offer an equally mind blowing array of delicious destinations supported by the most wonderful of staff as ourselves.

Until the next time.

Love from your personal and dedicated customer complaints handler and travel advisor.

 

Mr Tufty

 

 

 

 

WE ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO BOOKING WITH MR TUFTY'S COMPANY AGAIN NEXT YEAR.  SUGGESTED DESTINATIONS WOULD BE WELCOMED.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Letters from the Greek Islands Part 1 - Kefalonia

A series of email exchanges that may alert travellers to the hazards of package holidays.   All names have been changed to protect the innocent.



KEFALONIA 2012


Dear Mr Tufty,

I wish to highlight a number of issues with you, following your advice to holiday in Kefalonia.

1. On boarding our flight from our chosen airport, we noticed that there was a distinct lack of storage space in our seats for the numerous empty bottles of wine and gin that we seemed to have accumulated during the flight and also for our books and newspapers. Please rectify this prior to our return on 25th Sept.

2. When we booked the holiday (on your advice) we were told that our transfer would be the first to be dropped off.  This was not the case we were in fact third to be dropped off after a  tortuous one hour coach journey from the airport. I use the term airport loosely, a shed on the coast would be nearer the truth.

3 . When we arrived at our well positioned and modern the hotel, we to found a notice in the toilet that told us to put toilet paper in the pedal bin provided!    Can you imagine the smell emanating from the bath room after a ton of souvlaki and tziki has been digested and expelled and the remnants smeared on tissue paper and deposited in a bin? Could you please have a word with the company rep and inform her that we will be depositing future deposits into the Kefalonian sewerage system and not leaving it in our room to fester like something from the streets of

 I will of course update you of any further developments and await your prompt response.

Kind regards,

Mr Graham Rumpy
 

 

THE RESPONSE

 

Dear Mr Rumpy,

 

 1. You’re lucky there’s any seat back space at all. A well known budget airline  don’t even have seat pockets full stop, so consider yourself lucky to be flying with such a premium service airline. When seat related space is full, simply do what all the other football shirt clad passengers do and chuck it all on the floor and attempt to kick as much of it as possible under the seat in front.

 

2. Good job you booked Greece and not Turkey. Then you’d really know about tortuous and shed like. Frankly, you were lucky to be dropped off at all, never mind at the right hotel. Anyway, being dropped off first just leads you to ponder as to the quality of your hotel as compared to that of your fellow travellers who remained on the bus. What do they know they you don’t eh? Especially if only a few got off at your hotel, or worse, you were the only ones to disembark.....3^rd drop off is normally reserved for the most prestigious passengers, so again, premium service for which your tour operator should be commended.

3.That’ll be due to the small bore pipework. Again, I say better there than Turkey where not only is there a bin which is meant to be used, the remainder of the facilities comprise a hole in the ground and a short length of hose pipe. Premium service again see? It’s a question of deciding which is worse – a bit of caccy paper or a blocked system. Trust me, I know which I’d choose. That said, even without attempting to flush the paper, if you  attempt to send a friend to the coast which has the dimensions of one of the old style Fairy liquid bottles, then you are in trouble anyway. Best thing is a continuous dose of the squits and a steady intake of olive oil to keep things loose for the duration of your stay. Try the keftedes. Scrummy. Deposit your paper and other offerings wherever you choose – chances are you’ll end up swimming in it either way. Or is that Zakynthos?

 

Regards,

 

Mr Tufty












ROUND 2


Dear Mr Tufty

Thank you for your prompt response and helpful comments. 

1. We tried the chavs routine of kicking everything under the seat in front but were thwarted by some Milwall FC fans sitting in the seats in front of us who threatened us with serious violence if we did not desist from pushing our rubbish their way.  We tried to report their behaviour to the flight attendants but their attitude was one of indifference.  Is this the Premium service to which you refer?

2. It's all well and good saying that it's a good job that we booked Greece and not Turkey - we never had any intention of going to Turkey as a result of your recommendation ( full of  sweaty people on holiday you said). Is this another example of the premium service that you offer? 

3. The matter of the toilet seems to have resolved itself - not account of the help or suggestions offered by your good self, I hasten to add. Indeed the local food seems to have had quite the opposite affect on our digestive systems!  No longer the "runny tummy" favoured by many who venture on foreign holidays  - more the "blocked passage".  So God help the sewage system once the current contents of my large intestine works it's way through my bowels. I did take the liberty of asking our  rep, Susie, if she could replace the pedal bin with a large dustbin. We are currently sitting on our balcony enjoying the last few rays of the afternoon sun, sipping a rum punch or two, waiting for Susie to deliver the bin. I just hope she gets here in time.  

Any further comments from yourself would be gratefully received.

Kind regards,

G. Rumpy

 

PS.  The current weather in here in Scala is a mixture of rain and thunder storms. Please use your influence and return the weather to the premium service which you so confidently promised us. Even the weather in turkey is better than here.
Please reply as we've got little else to do as we are confined to our hotel room.

 

THE RESPONSE

 

Dear Graham,

Currently on a ship then flying to  Palma (where it's sunny).
Get a brolly. It's only going to get worse.

 

Regards,

 

Mr Tufty

 

ROUND 3

 

Dear Mr Tufty,

Not content with the humiliation of having to put used toilet tissue into a bin, last night's entertainment surpassed even that ignominy.  

Having ventured out for a pre meal cocktail or two, we returned to the hotel for our quiet evening meal.  We were duly seated outside on the terrace with a very nice view over the infinity pool only to be in the direct line of the evening entertainment act . 

The "turn"  can be best described as a Demmis Roussos tribute. Not content with one key board, this man had two, which meant twice as much noise and little chance of any intimate conversation during our meal. After a stream of endless ethnic local tunes, Demmis enrolled the help of a few of the waiting staff to demonstrate some Greek dancing.  This was most enjoyable to the point of the dance called Zorba the Greek - you know the one I mean?  The only  missing now was the plate smashing, -  oh and a little bit of audience participation.  The former did not happen but the latter  was soon rectified when, interestingly enough, the waiters selected attractive women to join them on the dance floor.  It goes without saying that *** was one of the first to be selected for this public humiliation and not content with one dance, she was subjected to three.

 

I presume this is another example of your company's premium service?

 

Please could you ensure that next week's entertainment is a more balanced affair and contains English Morris dancing, a Welsh male voice choir and some Scottish Haggis baiting.

As always I look forward to receiving your comments.

 

Kind regards,

Graham Rumpy

 

 

THE RESPONSE

Dear Graham,


Thank you for your comments on our Entertainment programme in your hotel, they have been duly noted and will of course form part of our annual review as customer comments, such as yours, play a large part in determining which hotels we continue to utilise and which ones we do not.

I can advise you though that we did indeed try your suggested balanced programme two years ago - it failed miserably due to the lack of available bells to sew onto the Morris Dancer's trousers, the lack of Welsh Males on the island able to commit to every Wednesday night and the total unwillingness of any Scots to move further than a metre away from the bar.




Kind regards and enjoy the rest of your holiday,

Mr Tufty
ROUND 4

Dear Mr Tufty,

Thank you for response to my previous e mail - it's good to know that you take customers seriously.

You will be no doubt be pleased to know that this will my last transmission from the Ionian island of Kefalonia as we are being deported later today due to a slight misunderstanding at our hotel.  

As you well know going on holiday is all about having time to relax, explore new places and meet new people. We have done all of these things and more.

 We had a few drinks with a very nice couple from Merthyr Tydfil  the other night and later went out for dinner with them to a local restaurant where we indulged in more drinks and bottles of the local wine.

We returned to the hotel quite late and as usual, made our way to the bar to say goodnight to our two cheery bar men, who had served us so well during our stay.  Sometime later, and I have to say, the timing of events becomes a little hazy, having said our farewells to the bar staff, waiters, waitresses, hotel owner, owners son, owners son's fiancé..... our little party staggered towards the entrance of the hotel to make the short journey back to our rooms.

 Being eagle eyed, I spotted one of the golf carts that the hotel uses to transport guests luggage to and from the rooms -  someone had carelessly left the key in the ignition. We BORROWED the cart to whisk us up the short hill to our rooms. I did return it straight away but unfortunately was unaware that the hotels CCTV was in operation. I can only liken the incident to that of a well known former Welsh international rugby player.

 

I did of course mention my good friend , your good self, as a point of contact should the hotel management wish to take the matter any further.

Thank you for recommending Kefalonia - we have had a truly memorable holiday on a beautiful island and we will hopefully be allowed back!

 

Kind regards,

Graham Rumpy

 

 

RESPONSE

 

Sadly, there was no response from Mr Tufty to my last e mail - he has since been in touch and has suggested Crete for summer 2013

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Last few days

The last couple of days were spent chilling out reading and sampling the very comprehensive cocktail menu.  Cyprus is well known for Brandy sours - a heady mixture of brandy, lemon cordial, angustura bitter and soda - I won't be wasting my best Courvoisier in them!  The rain came and went and them came again mainly during our shopping trip to Limmasol, which was nice!

25 Million!!!

Across the road from the hotel a very large construction is in progress.  A glass edifice that apparently was a restaurant is being reconstructed as a villa for a wealthy Russian.  The cost of it - a cool 25 million Euros and si allegedly, the most expensive villa on the island!  If I had that money to spend I would want something more secluded and certainly not next to a main road or on a beach that doesn't have any sand! 

The trip home was long - a 5 hour flight - but at least there was plenty of room for us to stretch out!  So back to the cold of Wales - we will return to Cyprus though as I still want to buy one of those plastic jumping penises for Tufty.

On the trail of Aphrodite

Last day with the car so we had a choice, head west into the rain or head north into the Troodos mountains into the snow. We figured that west would be best and sliding around mountain roads in the snow probably wasn't such a great idea anyway.

We pootled along the motorway as far as Pathos and stopped in the harbour area for a coffee and a wander amongst the fishing boats and tourist boats who were busily getting them ready for the onslaught of visitors. We had been advised to visit Coral Bay which isn't far from Pathos so we headed further along the coast. We found Coral Bay and left, nothing too impressive.

Coral Bay

What was impressive and slightly bizarre was the ship that had run aground some 50 yards from the shore further up from Coral Bay. It looked as if it had been parked sideways on to the rocky shore and had been abandoned, nobody on board, just a rope ladder dangling from the deck into the sea. I wondered whether it was an insurance job? After some digging, the ship, the Edro III, had run aground(!) in December 2011 en route from Limassol to Rhodes. All the crew with the exception of the Captain and Chief Engineer had been taken off by helicopter and the reason they had stayed was if they had left the ship it would then become the responsibility of the Cypriot government.

After all the excitment of the Edro III, we headed for Polis a small town on the edge of the Akamas peninsula on the north side of the island. Our route took us past some large isolated villas some of which where the building had been completed. We found a very pleasant taverna overlooking the sea at Latchi, a small, and as yet, under developed village to the west of Polis. Being true Brits, we sat outside whith the locals looking on in disbelief. They were wrapped up with jumpers and coats and eating inside. During lunch we noticed someone who was even more insane than us. A elderly man entered the sea not 50 yards from us, in a pair of speedos and proceeded to swim up and down almost the entire length of the beach! We youngsters have a few things to learn, I reckon.

A short drive past one of the 5 star hotels on the island, where it will cost you £1100 per person per week for bed and breakfast, and we had found the Baths of Aphrodite. Now you may well know that Aphrodite was the Greek godess of love, pleasure and procreation. What you may not know is that, according to legend , she was born in Cyprus as a result of Uranus having his genitals cut off and thrown into the sea. The resulting foam gave rise to Aphrodite. The baths are where she used to bathe after assignations with her lover Adonis. A small pool set in a fragrant garden is now one of the big tourist attractions in Cyprus. We were impressed.

Aphrodite by her pool

Our evening was spent dining in the a la carte restaurant. The service was great, the presentation superb but the food was a little disappointing. My fillet steak needed a Black and Decker saw to get through it. Never mind, the wine was good. Our now usual coffee and liqueurs were taken with, yes you've guessed it, Philip and Barbara. Further revelations were made regarding the man who has a PhD in stating the bleeding obvious, apparently he's been a permanent resident for the last 7 years. I would have got bored with the food by now if I'd been here 7 days never mind 7 years.

The divided city

The weather appears to be changing for the worst here, it's getting more like Wales, which isn't what Tufty promised us. After breakfast we headed up the motorways to Nicosia, the capital of Cyprus and a divided city. The northern part of the city is occupied by the Turks so to travel into it you need your passport. There is a distinct contrast between the two halves of Nicosia and as you cross the 20 metere border control it becomes very obvious. To the south you pass Debenhams, McDonalds and Peacocks before showing the sour faced border guards your passport and enter the north. Here you are faced with run down buildings, still showing the bullet holes in the walls from the conflict of 1974 and cheap shops selling track suit bottoms that make would make you look like a Russian prostitute, if you were female. We stopped in a cafe for a Turkish coffee, the black sludge had a bitter taste and was thick enough to stand a spoon up. We wandered until we came to the old Venetian walls and a statue of Ataturk. The distinct lack of females on the streets with groups of men standing on street corners chatting seemed very odd, where were all the women? Probably at home getting Sunday lunch I thought, to myself.

Nicosia crossing point

We drove back to Amathusa over the mountains, a longer journey but well worth the spectacular views down to the coast and then off to Molly Malone's Irish Bar, a 10 minute stroll away to watch a famous English rugby victory in Paris along with a smattering of ex pats. Dinner followed and then our coffee time chin wag with Phil and Barbara, who are rapidly becoming our new best mates.

A final word on just two things that are slightly bugging me - firstly, the surliness of SOME of the bar staff is beginning to get on my toot. Is it a Polish national trait not to be able to smile? Secondly, at meal times the dining room staff always seat you as close to another couple as possible so it is impossible to have a private conversation. I happened to make this remark to the Gavin Henson look alike waiter as he was seating us at dinner in the laps of a couple from Swansea. His reaction was to shrug his shoulders and beam a big orange tanned smile at me - well at least he smiled.

Lobsters and the Ghost City

As the sun was shining we opted for a day by the pool - mistake number one was not applying any sun screen util it was too late! Result was a rather lobster like appearance from yours truly for the evening! We did however, venture out into the environs of Amathusa, a short 2 Euro hop on the bus to Limassol. We found the old part of town and wandered aimlessly though the narrow streets lined with gift shops aplenty, selling leather belts, fridge magnets and little plastic penises which jumped about when you wound them up. Nice present for Tufty, I thought but didn't have the bottle to get one. On our return we were welcomed by the corpulent old gentleman who always sits in the same seat opposite the lobby entrance and has an opinion and knowledge about everything. He has a PhD in stating the bleeding obvious, "Been too long in the sun?"' He enquired. Sue muttered something polite in reply as I scuttled off to the lift with my pincers snapping.
We didn't feel like joining in the evening's festivities mainly on account of my beet root like forehead and Sue's sore arms so we retired after dinner to watch a film on the iPad!

Lobster Head

Today has been hire car day! Forms dutifully signed and with a tank full of petrol we headed off to the beaches of the east and the Club capital of Europe, Agia Napa. En route we took in one of the many Mosques on the island, more impressive from a distance than close up, I have to say. We arrived in Agia Napia expecting to see stragglers from the clubs making their way back to their hotels and apartments from a night of excess - what we saw were lots of octagenarians on bikes weaving to and fro and disrupting the traffic. Agia Napa has become the new Costa Geriatrica.

Ready to go clubbing in Agia Napa

As a young man I vaguely remember the crisis of 1974 when the Turkish army invaded northern Cyprus so I wanted to visit the nearest point to the deserted city of Famagusta, a city which my Aunt had visited in the 1960's and who brought me back a wooden wind instrument like a recorder, strange what you remember as a kid! We were told of an observation platform in the village of Deryneia that was right on the border that was run by an old couple who had been displaced when the Turks moved in. Apparently, families were given just 2 hours to vacate their homes and grab their belongings. Fuelled with interest we eventually found the observation post- it was closed. So we contented ourselves with a view through the barbed wire and gates and signs that told us not to take photographs. Why on earth would you want to take a photograph of wasteland? Parts of the city of Famagusta remain deserted and have been left as they were when the Turkish tanks took over in August 1974, tables and chairs still sit on the pavement outside cafes.


Back in the safety of our hotel we dined and coffeed with Phil and Barbara, a delightful couple from York who have 6 grandchildren, the eldest of which is nearly my age. We gave the show in the Apollo Ballroom a miss tonight. We need our beauty sleep for another action packed day tomorrow.

Lost in Limassol

Not having been away since August, we were in serious need of some winter sun or at least some early spring sun so we consulted our personal travel adviser. In order to protect the innocent we will refer to him using his code name, Tufty. Without hesitation he suggested Cyprus, telling us with much enthusiasm that it was "Civilized Greece". Now Tufty has never let us down with his advice of where to go on holiday, he is after all a well travelled member of an international travel company, who for legal reasons, can't be named! We booked the all inclusive hotel outside Limassol and duly arrived on Wednesday~ along with many other Saga louts. The average age of the guests is about 150 so when Sue and I arrived, the age plummeted dramatically. I know I'm not getting any younger but even we look young in comparison to most of our fellow guests.

Not to be deterred or phased by the feeling that it felt like we'd come on holiday with our parents, we settled into the routine of hotel life. The morning bun fight, aka breakfast is the first bit of excitement of the day and always seems to take longer than it should. This is partly due to the fact that most of the guests have difficulty using modern technology, like the touch button coffee machines. This is followed by energetic exercise such as Tai Chi, clock darts or cocktail making. A siesta by the pool and then lunch which is followed by another siesta. Pre dinner drinks are taken in the lobby area where the helpful Polish staff grapple with the intricate mixing of cocktails such as gin and tonics, whiskey and coke and vodka and lemonade.
The dress code for dinner means that gentlemen have to wear long trousers and ladies must present themselves in skirts or dresses. Avoiding getting stuck next to the boring couple from Glasgow has become one of our specialist games, not because they're boring but because we can't understand a word that they say! We have noticed that there is one lady who always has her own table reserved,a matriarchal figure who seems to spread a look of terror into the waitresses and waiters. After a little digging I found out that she is a German lady who spends 3 months every year in the hotel! No wonder she gets her own table.
After all the excitement of the day, Sue and I looked forward to the evening entertainment. A Frank Sinatra/Dean Martin tribute evening was performed by one of the very talented resort reps on Thursday night but this was surpassed by a couple called Ron And Mary from Doncaster who jived, twisted and bunny hopped on the dance floor for the last 20 minutes of the action packed day and they were aged 78 and 79! Sue and I sat at the bar in admiration of their energy and youthfulness. Total respect goes to Ron and Mary!
We look forward to another action packed day tomorrow. Maybe Tufty is trying to tell me something?