Letters from the Greek Islands Part 1 - Kefalonia

A series of email exchanges that may alert travellers to the hazards of package holidays.   All names have been changed to protect the innocent.



KEFALONIA 2012


Dear Mr Tufty,

I wish to highlight a number of issues with you, following your advice to holiday in Kefalonia.

1. On boarding our flight from our chosen airport, we noticed that there was a distinct lack of storage space in our seats for the numerous empty bottles of wine and gin that we seemed to have accumulated during the flight and also for our books and newspapers. Please rectify this prior to our return on 25th Sept.

2. When we booked the holiday (on your advice) we were told that our transfer would be the first to be dropped off.  This was not the case we were in fact third to be dropped off after a  tortuous one hour coach journey from the airport. I use the term airport loosely, a shed on the coast would be nearer the truth.

3 . When we arrived at our well positioned and modern the hotel, we to found a notice in the toilet that told us to put toilet paper in the pedal bin provided!    Can you imagine the smell emanating from the bath room after a ton of souvlaki and tziki has been digested and expelled and the remnants smeared on tissue paper and deposited in a bin? Could you please have a word with the company rep and inform her that we will be depositing future deposits into the Kefalonian sewerage system and not leaving it in our room to fester like something from the streets of

 I will of course update you of any further developments and await your prompt response.

Kind regards,

Mr Graham Rumpy
 

 

THE RESPONSE

 

Dear Mr Rumpy,

 

 1. You’re lucky there’s any seat back space at all. A well known budget airline  don’t even have seat pockets full stop, so consider yourself lucky to be flying with such a premium service airline. When seat related space is full, simply do what all the other football shirt clad passengers do and chuck it all on the floor and attempt to kick as much of it as possible under the seat in front.

 

2. Good job you booked Greece and not Turkey. Then you’d really know about tortuous and shed like. Frankly, you were lucky to be dropped off at all, never mind at the right hotel. Anyway, being dropped off first just leads you to ponder as to the quality of your hotel as compared to that of your fellow travellers who remained on the bus. What do they know they you don’t eh? Especially if only a few got off at your hotel, or worse, you were the only ones to disembark.....3^rd drop off is normally reserved for the most prestigious passengers, so again, premium service for which your tour operator should be commended.

3.That’ll be due to the small bore pipework. Again, I say better there than Turkey where not only is there a bin which is meant to be used, the remainder of the facilities comprise a hole in the ground and a short length of hose pipe. Premium service again see? It’s a question of deciding which is worse – a bit of caccy paper or a blocked system. Trust me, I know which I’d choose. That said, even without attempting to flush the paper, if you  attempt to send a friend to the coast which has the dimensions of one of the old style Fairy liquid bottles, then you are in trouble anyway. Best thing is a continuous dose of the squits and a steady intake of olive oil to keep things loose for the duration of your stay. Try the keftedes. Scrummy. Deposit your paper and other offerings wherever you choose – chances are you’ll end up swimming in it either way. Or is that Zakynthos?

 

Regards,

 

Mr Tufty












ROUND 2


Dear Mr Tufty

Thank you for your prompt response and helpful comments. 

1. We tried the chavs routine of kicking everything under the seat in front but were thwarted by some Milwall FC fans sitting in the seats in front of us who threatened us with serious violence if we did not desist from pushing our rubbish their way.  We tried to report their behaviour to the flight attendants but their attitude was one of indifference.  Is this the Premium service to which you refer?

2. It's all well and good saying that it's a good job that we booked Greece and not Turkey - we never had any intention of going to Turkey as a result of your recommendation ( full of  sweaty people on holiday you said). Is this another example of the premium service that you offer? 

3. The matter of the toilet seems to have resolved itself - not account of the help or suggestions offered by your good self, I hasten to add. Indeed the local food seems to have had quite the opposite affect on our digestive systems!  No longer the "runny tummy" favoured by many who venture on foreign holidays  - more the "blocked passage".  So God help the sewage system once the current contents of my large intestine works it's way through my bowels. I did take the liberty of asking our  rep, Susie, if she could replace the pedal bin with a large dustbin. We are currently sitting on our balcony enjoying the last few rays of the afternoon sun, sipping a rum punch or two, waiting for Susie to deliver the bin. I just hope she gets here in time.  

Any further comments from yourself would be gratefully received.

Kind regards,

G. Rumpy

 

PS.  The current weather in here in Scala is a mixture of rain and thunder storms. Please use your influence and return the weather to the premium service which you so confidently promised us. Even the weather in turkey is better than here.
Please reply as we've got little else to do as we are confined to our hotel room.

 

THE RESPONSE

 

Dear Graham,

Currently on a ship then flying to  Palma (where it's sunny).
Get a brolly. It's only going to get worse.

 

Regards,

 

Mr Tufty

 

ROUND 3

 

Dear Mr Tufty,

Not content with the humiliation of having to put used toilet tissue into a bin, last night's entertainment surpassed even that ignominy.  

Having ventured out for a pre meal cocktail or two, we returned to the hotel for our quiet evening meal.  We were duly seated outside on the terrace with a very nice view over the infinity pool only to be in the direct line of the evening entertainment act . 

The "turn"  can be best described as a Demmis Roussos tribute. Not content with one key board, this man had two, which meant twice as much noise and little chance of any intimate conversation during our meal. After a stream of endless ethnic local tunes, Demmis enrolled the help of a few of the waiting staff to demonstrate some Greek dancing.  This was most enjoyable to the point of the dance called Zorba the Greek - you know the one I mean?  The only  missing now was the plate smashing, -  oh and a little bit of audience participation.  The former did not happen but the latter  was soon rectified when, interestingly enough, the waiters selected attractive women to join them on the dance floor.  It goes without saying that *** was one of the first to be selected for this public humiliation and not content with one dance, she was subjected to three.

 

I presume this is another example of your company's premium service?

 

Please could you ensure that next week's entertainment is a more balanced affair and contains English Morris dancing, a Welsh male voice choir and some Scottish Haggis baiting.

As always I look forward to receiving your comments.

 

Kind regards,

Graham Rumpy

 

 

THE RESPONSE

Dear Graham,


Thank you for your comments on our Entertainment programme in your hotel, they have been duly noted and will of course form part of our annual review as customer comments, such as yours, play a large part in determining which hotels we continue to utilise and which ones we do not.

I can advise you though that we did indeed try your suggested balanced programme two years ago - it failed miserably due to the lack of available bells to sew onto the Morris Dancer's trousers, the lack of Welsh Males on the island able to commit to every Wednesday night and the total unwillingness of any Scots to move further than a metre away from the bar.




Kind regards and enjoy the rest of your holiday,

Mr Tufty
ROUND 4

Dear Mr Tufty,

Thank you for response to my previous e mail - it's good to know that you take customers seriously.

You will be no doubt be pleased to know that this will my last transmission from the Ionian island of Kefalonia as we are being deported later today due to a slight misunderstanding at our hotel.  

As you well know going on holiday is all about having time to relax, explore new places and meet new people. We have done all of these things and more.

 We had a few drinks with a very nice couple from Merthyr Tydfil  the other night and later went out for dinner with them to a local restaurant where we indulged in more drinks and bottles of the local wine.

We returned to the hotel quite late and as usual, made our way to the bar to say goodnight to our two cheery bar men, who had served us so well during our stay.  Sometime later, and I have to say, the timing of events becomes a little hazy, having said our farewells to the bar staff, waiters, waitresses, hotel owner, owners son, owners son's fiancé..... our little party staggered towards the entrance of the hotel to make the short journey back to our rooms.

 Being eagle eyed, I spotted one of the golf carts that the hotel uses to transport guests luggage to and from the rooms -  someone had carelessly left the key in the ignition. We BORROWED the cart to whisk us up the short hill to our rooms. I did return it straight away but unfortunately was unaware that the hotels CCTV was in operation. I can only liken the incident to that of a well known former Welsh international rugby player.

 

I did of course mention my good friend , your good self, as a point of contact should the hotel management wish to take the matter any further.

Thank you for recommending Kefalonia - we have had a truly memorable holiday on a beautiful island and we will hopefully be allowed back!

 

Kind regards,

Graham Rumpy

 

 

RESPONSE

 

Sadly, there was no response from Mr Tufty to my last e mail - he has since been in touch and has suggested Crete for summer 2013