Letters from the Greek Islands -Part 2 - Crete

 The series of e mail exchanges continues with my good friend and  H & S travel guru - not for the faint hearted and does contain adult humour and a disturbing image.


CRETE 2013

Dear Tufty,

I trust that you are now back at your desk after a long & relaxing holiday in Spain? 

 

You will be pleased to know that we too, were enjoying a very pleasant and relaxing, all inclusive stay at the our hotel in Crete.  You will have undoubtedly noticed the use of the past tense….”were” enjoying.

 

I’m afraid a H & S issue has arisen and one that really needs your personal attention.  Whilst staying at the Hotel a toe on my right foot has become seriously inflamed (see attached photograph).  This is a direct result of one of the following:

 

• Faulty lighting at night causing me to stumble down some steep steps
• An insect/animal bite imported to the lawn area outside our sea view apartment by another holiday client from your company
• Raki fed to me by your holiday rep on arrival at the hotel

My investigations have reached a dead end and feel that your presence here at the hotel, in your official H & S role,  would add the much needed weight to the investigation for it to reach a successful conclusion.

Should you dismiss this serious breach of H & S protocol with a wave of the hand, I do not need to spell out the likely consequences of such a cavalier action on your part.

I look forward to your imminent arrival – you will find me either in the Lobby bar between 1100 and 1600 and in the Beach Bar from 1800 onwards.

 Kind regards, your good friend

 Graham Rumpy

 

 

 

THE REPLY

 

Dear Graham,

 

Call me cavalier, but with a dismissive albeit flamboyant while at the same time nonchalant wave of the hand, I have to inform you that my presence is required elsewhere on far more pressing matters. Namely scuppering large volumes of cheap cider in my garden. However, I can offer the following advice, in no particular order;

 1.       Stop whingeing you big wuss. Your conk and cheeks are far redder than that toe all the time and you don’t moan about that. And your arse too probably, from sitting on bar stools / sun beds / poolside bar seats….

2.       Stick said toe IN some Raki. That should sort it. And if it doesn’t, drink the Raki as that will take your mind off it for sure.

3.       Get some cream. Your pile ointment you carry with you at all times for your grapes should do it. And if not, I’m sure the your hotel boasts a 24 hour well-stocked pharmacy amongst its many fabulous facilities.

4.       Drink to excess and numb the pain (already in hand I suspect).

5.       Speak to your understanding and ever helpful and omnipresent Holiday Representative who will be delighted, nay, overjoyed to provide an excessive and overbearing amount of assistance and sympathy and will I’m sure, facilitate multitudinous free visits to the top notch medical facilities on site.

6.       Speak to reception – as 5 above.

7.       Make a fuss and insist on a wheelchair, at least on flight departure day which will undoubtedly secure you the most fabulous and highly sort after and prized seats on your return flight, if not a whole row just to yourself upon which you can raise and rest said affected limb while repeatedly calling upon the infectiously happy and oh so willing cabin crew to attend to your every desire, or at least keep you topped up with appropriate in-flight medicinal liquids.

 

Trust this advice will be treated with the merit it deserves. Good luck (particularly with no.s 5 – 7).

 

And one question – what happens between 1600 and 1800. Surely the hotel is not without an astounding array of bars available between these hours? Or is that when you retire to your undoubtedly stunning and well appointed, stylish room to receive TLC and appropriate dressing replacements as administered by Nurse Sue?

 I wish you a speedy recovery and look forward to receiving notification of your next heavily discounted booking.

 

Regards & good luck 

 

Tufty

 

 

 

 

Dear Mr Tufty

 Thank you for your thoughtful and very helpful comments – I have now had time to consider them.  Before I make further comment I would like to say that your presence here at our hotel is still very much needed as further breaches of H & S have occurred and for you to continually and blatantly ignore such failings is, a desertion of your duties and responsibilities as laid out in your job description.

 

To your initial comments regarding “toe-gate”:

 

1. I hardly think calling a valued client such as myself a “whingeing wuss” is a professional response and certainly not one I would have expected from someone in your position within the company.
2. I tried inserting my toe in some Raki but the only receptacle I could find was a waste paper bin.  Having filled the bin and soaked my toe I then did as you advised and drank the Raki…. I didn’t remember very much after that until Sue woke me 3 days later. The toe remains inflamed which in turn has given me a headache and left me feeling nauseous.
3. I told you not to mention my pile problem – that was an intimate detail that only you and I share from working together.  Oh! and Vic in the Horeshoe Inn, I think I may have told him once when we were doing some Pool Timetabling in June 1989.
4. Working on this one continually.
5. The ever helpful and omnipresent Holiday reps are too busy dealing with overweight Brummies who keep putting their  “His & Her “ towels on the sunbeds before they go to breakfast, despite an abundance of signs asking guests to desist from this anti-social and Teutonic practice, to be concerned with my toe.
6. I have spoken to reception who advised me to get in touch with someone from your company directly – which is exactly what I did.
7. The only useful suggestion you have made and one that I will be following up on Thursday when we return should my toe still be inflamed.

Further breaches of H & S

 

• You premium resort service failed to inform us that during the month of September, the Hotel suffers from WIND!  Not just a gentle refreshing breeze that cools the sun drenched faces of those clients around the pool but a howling gale that causes ships to seek shelter in the bay and prevents the pool boy erecting the sun umbrellas for fear of his life.  I myself, have nearly been blown over whilst walking from the Beach Bar to the pool area carrying vital liquid refreshment – not helped, I have to say by my unsteady gait caused by my inflamed toe.  This lack of information about the weather is clearly a breach of contract on your part and I will, should I get injured as a result of the force of the wind, be seeking compensation.

• Whilst on a trip to Spinalonga to view the old leper colony, a Trip advertised and championed by your ever present & helpful holiday reps, we stopped for a BBQ lunch and a swim.  At no stage were we advised that the rocks on the beach where we swam were slippery & dangerous.  The result….. whilst I was trying to pick my way back across the said beach, I slipped spilling my t shirt, socks and shoes and underpants into the crystal clear water.  What made the incident worse and to further my embarrassment, the whole thing was witnessed by around 400 people on boats that were just about to dock for their lunch.

• I seriously think that your Company should have some sort of road competency testing for those clients that intend to hire cars whilst in Crete.  We have had our car now for 2 days and have witnessed the most dreadful and incompetent driving skills ever seen by man.  Admittedly not all your company’s clients but I would hazard a guess at that a large proportion may be. If such a test was introduced by yourselves, I am convinced that, the premium service , that you are so proud of,  would increase your company’s credibility in the travel arena and one that would show you to be progressive and forward thinking and not just a “dancing monkey” which it appears you have become

I would still like to see you here in Crete but appreciate that drinking cheap cider in your garden in England may just be an easy way for you to dodge your professional responsibilities.

 I look forward to receiving your flight details.  Between 1600 and 1800 I have my late afternoon siesta with a couple of large glasses of local white wine so please arrange your arrival outside these hours.

 My toe is still sore and inflamed.  Should this be diagnosed as leprosy, caught whilst on an organized excursion by your company, rest assured that you will rapidly feel the full weight of my legal team bearing down on you.

 Kind regards,

 Graham Rumpy

 

THE REPLY

 

There was no immediate response from Mr Tufty

 

 

Dear Tufty,

 

It has now been more than 24 hours since my last update.  Time is running out. As a valued and regular client, I await your response to my last or at the very least, your arrival here in Crete.

 

Yours,

 

Graham Rumpy

 

PS You will be relieved to hear that the inflamed toe is not due to leprosy.

 

 

THE EVENTUAL REPLY

 

 

Dear Mr G.Rumpy,

 

I had hoped, that in keeping with our best traditions of customer service with which I know you are familiar and the standards of which I know you hold my company in the highest regard,  that ignoring your inevitable 2^nd wave of trivial whingeing, which is frankly irritating in its petty nature, would result in you simply giving up and booking your next holiday, possibly even to the same fabulous hotel, without any further effort on my behalf.  

 Sadly, you clearly will not simply go away and I have had to now divert my attention from far more important matters involving fermented apples in my garden in order to address your pointless complaints which I feel duty bound to point out have the inevitable ring of a man unwilling, if not in fact unable, to appreciate the levels of personal enrichment and enlightenment available to travellers who, in stark contrast to yourself, are able to rise above the typical ‘Brit abroad’ attitude you so comprehensively demonstrate and understand that expecting the same standards in Johnny Foreigner Land (JFL) as you experience in your comfortable, narrow minded and clearly insular existence tucked away in the dark recesses of the Vale of Glamorgan is ridiculous and I often wonder why your type bother to travel at all.

 

Anyway, responses to your nonsense are as follows;

 

My previous comments were not really intended to be thought provoking or helpful and I’m disappointed you found them so. I will work on my indifference skills in preparation for the tirade relating to your next foray into JFL that will, as surely as night follows day, occur both during and after whatever delightful destination you choose to inflict yourself and your long suffering travelling companion on (who it appears judging by your file held in our multi-platform, digital and spectacularly efficient reservations system, seems to pay for the majority of your little more than worthless bookings).

 

Thankfully I gather you have now returned to the safe and comfortably familiar environment from which you departed so I can plan my visit to your intoxicatingly beautiful hotel safe in the knowledge that you at least, will not blight my own travel with your ceaseless moaning.

My role profile and job description and duties make no reference to, or require me to respond to dozy comments made by ignorant customers, far less pay any attention to the content of such communications. I’m simply responding out of the goodness of my own heart in an attempt to educate you, if that is even vaguely possible, in preparation for your next expedition out of the Vale. To those points worth responding to (hardly any of them really) I offer the following replies;

 Point 1.  Asked and answered as above.

Point 2.  The resultant 3 day period of unconsciousness after drinking a waste bin full of Raki must have been a blessed relief to Sue and anyone else unfortunate enough to be on holiday within 5 miles of you. I assume the three days out cold were pain free, so job done. Headaches and nausea are routinely associated with even a small measure of Raki, which even the most seasoned alcoholic (such as yourself) would have foreseen (nothing to do with your poor red tootsie – the original cause of these endless gripes) and you should therefore have brought appropriate medication, or at least attempted a Raki Hair of the Dog upon re-gaining consciousness (I understand, not from personal experience of course, that just a small glass of water re-activates the damn stuff).

Point 3. Your piles are a globally recognised problem stretching far beyond the myopic and usually blurry vision of Horseshoe Vic  and the existence and prominence of your grapes is in the public domain. I did warn you on countless occasions that a loss of confidentiality would occur as a result of you insisting on repeatedly performing your infamous ‘Man, Woman… Bulldog’ trick to scores of innocent and unsuspecting delegates trapped on training courses of dubious validity and unable to escape or defend themselves.

Point 5. I sense a frustration here, not in the lack of care and attention shown by the incredibly overworked Representative, but that you forgot to pack your own His and Hers towels and were therefore unable to add overweight Brits to the sunbed grabbing game.

Point 7. Glad to be of service. Our aim is to please, if not delight our customers with our resourcefulness when the very rare, in fact virtually unheard of, minor issues arise. I have every confidence that the highly professional and attentive cabin crew will have done everything possible to make your flight home a period of such unimaginable pleasure that it could only be matched by your hotel experience that preceded it. Your request to the Cabin Manager, nice boy that he is, that he suck the poison out of the infected part has been passed on by the Captain to the appropriate health and law enforcement authorities that abound in Cardiff Wales airport.

 

To your additional points;

 

The wind must indeed have been strong if a man of your not inconsiderable girth felt its power. However, I suspect that you are over-playing the gentle zephyr associated with this part of coastline year round. The unsteadiness most likely being caused by yet another waste bin full of Raki (probably consumed at breakfast), the pool boy probably actually running away from you and attempting to hide behind umbrellas and the ships seeking shelter most likely in response to the hazard to shipping notices issued by the Greek Maritime Authorities after your last dip in the sea. In fact, the wind blowing from your own southern regions at approaching near constant gale force and containing that unmistakable anniseedy bouquet of a man whose insides are not fully adjusted to ouzo, is far more likely to have been the issue than anything nature offered up.

 

The sight of a fat Englishman wearing no underpants being upended on what were obviously slippery rocks (you have seaweed in Wales do you not? In fact, you eat it, so clearly you could have easily foreseen this problem but chose as usual, to leave your brain in the bus) must have been traumatic in the extreme for the unfortunate witnesses. We have as a result of your incredibly idiotic antics had to offer counselling to all 400 and you will be receiving the invoice directly from the Centre for Crisis Psychology. You may possibly recoup some of this outlay through adverts associated with the YouTube clip of you falling on your arse and dropping your grubby clothing in the sea currently reaching viral status on the internet.

 

Ancillary revenue generated by car hire facilitates a fabulous and long drawn out knees up at the season once our last but dear clients have finally departed and frankly, if people like yourself want to dice with death on the roads of JFL then that’s fine with us so long as you cough up in advance along with hugely overinflated charges for next to useless additional insurance (suckers). What happens on the roads beyond our hotel boundary is of no concern or responsibility of ours. You are on your own, although it is admittedly highly entertaining to watch.

 

Next time hire a scooter or quad bike and with any luck, we’ll never have to host you in one of our destinations ever again.

 

I doubt very much that leprosy would warrant even a second glance in the catalogue of illnesses and diseases you are already the proud owner of. We have in fact received numerous complaints from the lepers that in addition to having to have witnessed your arse-ending on the seaweed covered rocks they are reporting new and mysterious conditions far worse than leprosy caused by your contact with them. You will, in addition to the counselling bill, be receiving an invoice for medical services rendered to the lepers as a result of your visit.

 

I and my colleagues remain as always, at your service and we eagerly await your next heavily discounted foray into JFL, which we hope (almost certainly in vain due to the discounting opportunities afforded to you by your passing acquaintance with one of our staff, a relationship we are unfortunately powerless to prevent) that you take with one of our competitors who offer an equally mind blowing array of delicious destinations supported by the most wonderful of staff as ourselves.

Until the next time.

Love from your personal and dedicated customer complaints handler and travel advisor.

 

Mr Tufty

 

 

 

 

WE ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO BOOKING WITH MR TUFTY'S COMPANY AGAIN NEXT YEAR.  SUGGESTED DESTINATIONS WOULD BE WELCOMED.