Burns Night again!

For the third year in a row, we were invited to celebrate on Saturday night,  the life and times of Scotlands greatest poet.  This unique occasion gathered together several Scots, a smattering of Welsh and the usual English hangers on - myself and Sue included!  This year the number of guests had swollen to 22 from the initial 10 that attended 3 years ago so to releive some of the pressureon the cooks, I had volunteered to utilise some of the money that had been invested in me by the Welsh assembly in paying for my cookery course at the Ashburton Cookery School and some of the time and effort invested by their Chef tutors by catering for the first course - Leek and Potato soup.  Not haute cuisine, I know but nevertheless, a daunting prospect when you consider that one of the guests at the dinner was the Executive Chef from the Milleneum Stadium in Cardiff - and I bet you thought that they just played rugby there!

Six litres of the soup was duly transported to the venue on Saturday morning, reheated and served to an appreciative  audience at the appointed hour of 8pm on the dot!  MasterChef - eat your heart out!

No Burns night would be complete without the speeches extolling the virtues of Burns' poetry and his life - he was a bit of a drinker and womanizer by all accounts - all this is followed by a toast to the Lads and a toast to the lassies!  These tasks had been allocated to myself and Sue - whilst I had been used to speaking in front of people in a previous life, Sue found the thought of making a speech to others extremely daunting.  Nights without sleep, not eating and increase in her nicotine intake led me to believe that she wasn't joking when she said that she didn't want to do it!  After much discussion, admittedly some of it heated, and a large dollop of bravery on her part, she wrote and delivered the toast to the lads with the panache and poise of a seasoned raconteur!  I have attached both speeches for your perusal!
 
A Toast to the Lassies

It gives me great pleasure….. but first may I say how delighted I was when Les asked me some weeks ago, to deliver the Toast to the Lassies.  I have always been fascinated in the opposite sex, even from an early age I took a keen interest in my older sister’s friends.  I found them fascinating, beguiling, mysterious and some of them were strangely attractive!   So it will come as no surprise to you all that I have made it a life long mission to try and understand the fairer sex -  a quest that I have to say, to date, remains unachieved!

Secondly, I would like to thank Paula & Les for organizing this annual rendezvous in memory of one of Scotland’s greatest heroes. If anyone can think of another Scottish hero, other than Rab C Nesbitt, perhaps they could let me know!  Thanks must also go to Sandra & Kevin who once again have allowed this gathering to take place in their lovely home.  The meal that we have all enjoyed has hopefully left us replete and furthermore we are experiencing an evening of friendship and fellowship.

And so it is my task on this special night to caress and cajole a few simple words into a meaningful tribute to those delectable, those desirable, those delightful people collectively called the lassies.

Returning to my opening remarks and my life long quest to understand women, it seems to me that there are 2 big female influences in a man’s life – his mother and his wife.  Any attempt to analyse or understand either can lead to confusion, frustration and feelings of inadequacy!  Women rarely admit their age and men rarely act theirs and whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.  Understanding and accepting that there is a difference between men & women is the key to a happy life.

The power of words is a good example of how the two genders differ  - after years of study of my mother, my ex wife and my beautiful, lovely and understanding partner Sue, I now have collated some examples of what women actually mean when they say certain things.    

We need	I want
It's your decision	The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want	You'll pay for this later
We need to talk	I need to complain
Sure...go ahead	I don't want you to.
I'm not upset	Of course I'm upset, you moron.
You're...so manly	You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

This clearly underlines that men & women are different species and communication between the two is a science still in its infancy.

I happened to be in Cardiff Bus Station earlier today and I noticed that there was a lady waiting for the bus to Porthcawl.  She was surrounded by about 6 children. So I politely enquired, “Are they all yours or is it a picnic”.  She took a step closer to me and replied with menace in her voice, “They’re all mine and it’s no picnic”

But despite all the differences I still believe that in spite of logic, in spite of legislation, in spite of the lessons of history women are still all too often treated as second class citizens

For a start women are healthier and they generally live longer and are chosen to bear the children. Furthermore in most situations they are more sophisticated, more civilised and much more subtle. When it comes to the constitution of the mind however the female of the species is really made of much sterner stuff. We men bottle up our tensions, until they erode into ulcers or clog the vessels of the heart. Women on the other hand disseminate them in tantrums or harmless tears. In truth it took two million years to make man out of a monkey. When it suits them the ladies can reverse the process in two minutes.

What I am saying is simply this; forget about the pin up girls and the busty blondes. They are the stuff of fiction; they are figments of your imagination. The real women of your everyday life have all the qualities you seek if only you have the sense to see it. Cherish them; give them the respect they deserve. Even if they burn their bras give them all the support they need.

Let us give thanks for the sweethearts of this world for bringing romance into our lives.
Let us give thanks for the spinsters of this world for they are unclaimed treasures.
Let us give thanks for the wives of this world for their loves their loyalty their passion and their patience.
Let us give thanks for the mothers of this world for theirs is the most noble role of all.

Gentlemen! Please be upstanding, and join me in a Toast to the Lassies!

To the Lassies!

Sue's reply - A Toast to the Lads
Ladies and Gentlemen.
May I first say how daunting this task has been for me so I would be most grateful if you would kindly bear with me….. I have lain awake for many nights worrying about what I was going to say, ably assisted by my partner, Dave.  I say ably assisted, as it has been thanks to his snoring that I have lain awake all night!  I now know why a black widow spider kills her partner after mating – it is to stop the snoring before it starts!

 As I have said, I did have a problem attacking this task but as I have one or two years of pent up frustration with the opposite sex I soon warmed to it.  There have been several men in my life, a father, 2 brothers, a husband, a son, one or two boyfriends and my partner Dave!  I have also raised 3 children so it seems that the Lord decided to bless me with much needed patience.

 

Not all men are attractive to look at but they are suitable companions for a dinner or an evening at the theatre or cinema.  They are, of course, wonderful in the area of lifting and moving things about if you sweetly request it.  I have to admit that I would never have become so handy around the house if I had had to rely on the men in my life to advise me on how to do home repairs!

Men are like blenders – you think you need one but  are not quite sure why!

Their idea of planning for the future is buying two cases of beer instead of one.  Their idea of housework is lifting their feet so we can hoover underneath.  They haven’t yet mastered how to change a toilet roll and for some reason they always seem to leave the toilet seat up!  But I’ve finally discovered why men whistle when they go to the toilet – it is so they can remember which end to wipe!!

I know that there are a number of car enthusiasts here tonight so forgive me if I use a car analogy.  Men have a number of design flaws, most notably their starter motor.  It seems to jam constantly and repeated attempts at activating it only results in explosions that are most unpleasant.

To me, men can be likened to dogs –

They both take up too much space on the settee
Both have irrational fears about hoovering
Both are threatened by their own kind
Both are suspicious of the postman AND
Both pass wind without looking shameless!

When we ladies complain to them they say it is our hormones – isn’t it strange that MEN-tal anxiety, MEN-opause, MEN-strual cycle, MEN-tal breakdown, GUY-nocology and HIS-terectomy which are all women’s problems, begin with or involve the male species.

But there is one thing you men should know.  It is that whatever you give a woman she will make it greater…

If you give her sperm, she will give you a baby

If you give her a house, she will give you a home
If you give her food, she will give you a meal
If you give her a smile, she will give you her heart
She multiplies and enlarges whatever you give her…

Discretion and a certain amount of fear prevent me from continuing in this vein, but I am sure all those of the female persuasion here tonight can relate to some, if not all, of these design flaws.

We do love our laddies, they have a way of endearing themselves to us, something about those boyish good looks that remain at any age.  How quickly they can turn into our protectors and champions when our safety or honour has been encroached upon.  They can and still do make us laugh and raise our spirits even when they flag.

We couldn’t nor wouldn’t want to live without them in our lives, so ladies/lassies raise your glass in a toast to the laddies…..

 TO THE LADDIES

  Anyone for the Gay Gordons?

Here's to next year - Cheers!